My favorite picture.
Can you see why?
Late Night/Early Morning Thinking
Typical of me, I sit in my living room, staring at my Christmas tree listening to Nat King Cole and Nancy Wilson sing to me and I can’t help but think and assess the main events that occurred in my life this year.
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Man, my rag is really getting to me. It’s forcing me to be emotional.
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The first thing that came to mind was that long ass relationship I was in.
It made me question,
“How did we survive this long?”
“What really made our relationship grow apart?”
And I realized that it was me. It’s because of my inability to open up. I don’t even know why I do this. I guess I prefer keeping my crap to myself? Yet, I post my feelings openly to the public. How ironic.
After watching The Holiday last night, I realized that I have a tendency to feel needy. I’m not accustomed to not being in a relationship during the Christmas season and of course, it doesn’t feel all that great being single.
I know I’ve repeated this a bajillion times, but I can’t express how much I miss being hugged with meaning, or called randomly to be checked up on what I’m doing, or hearing that phrase, “I miss you.”
I was the selfish one in our relationship. He showed his love for me but I didn’t even give the same amount back.
It wasn’t reciprocal. But I made myself think that it was.
And once again, as I’ve said a thousand times before, I feel lonely.
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You guys might be thinking… “Damn, she’s frkn emo. She writes about emo stuff all the time.”
Don’t worry. I’m not always like this.
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Now that I look back, it’s hard to imagine how much I’ve grown spiritually. Coming from a Catholic church, I’ve never been so active. The two Christian conventions I attended with FYG this year totally changed my perspective on life. It makes me want to share my experience with you guys.
I’ve developed this unquenchable thirst for God. I want to be considered his follower, having enough balls to spread his word to those who need it.
During the last day of Rooted, (the convention I recently attended) the speaker knew that our generation was so consumed by social networking. So, he made us take out our cell phones. We had to put what we learned into action because obviously, talk is cheap. He told us to look through our phonebook and create a message to the first person you think of that needs God most in their lives. The message had to say:
“Wassup. We need to talk as soon as I get back [from the convention].”
Then, press send.
And of course, this “talk” is going to be about coming to God for healing and forgiveness and accepting Him in their heart and stuff.
How hard is that?
Really hard.
I had a hard time pressing that send button.
But I eventually did it. Don’t get me wrong. I was not confident at all. After I hit the send button, I was literally shaking and my teeth were rattling.
Why exactly?
Because I fear being shunned from my social circle. You know, losing that “cool” image.
But there comes a time where I need to challenge myself. I need to stop settling for mediocrity and quit being content with the relationship I have with God. And if my circle of friends do mock me by my faith, no offense to them or anything, but they’re not true to me.
When that time comes to “talk” to my cousin about the kind of life he’s living, I hope that I’m prepared and can open his heart to what God has to say to him. Of course, I’m scared.
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At this point of my blog, I’d like to address a couple of stereotypes when people hear the word: Christian.
Some people tend to laugh because they immediately picture those Christian TV Networks like TBN. You know, the people collapsing thing, and the people getting up from their wheelchair type thing.
Okay, that stuff doesn’t happen every time - unless you have super faith in God. I don’t think physical healing can happen immediately. In order to be healed, you’d have to have really strong and complete faith and of course, people aren’t perfect. There is always doubt - even if it’s miniscule. But miracles do happen. As cliche as it may sound, you just have to believe, have faith.
Another thing is when people hear that someone is Christian, they immediately think that they’re perfect and are Bible huggers.
We Christians are NOT. We’re like everyone else. Being Christian is a lifestyle - it’s a learning process. Being Christian is also a challenge - once we accepted Christ in our hearts, it doesn’t mean that we have faith forever. Doubt exists. We don’t know everything. So please don’t expect us to know the answers to all of your questions when you try and make a mockery out of our faith. If you really want to know, then try touching up on your faith in God.
One other thing is that people seem to be grossed out/weirded out at the thought of people crying during worship/while singing songs.
I was in that position before. When I first attended a Christian church, I was totally weirded out. Why did they have to yell and cry? I later found out through experience. I wanted that type of spiritual healing and I don’t know, you just happen to cry.
Let’s put it this way, the feeling is something really unexplainable.
You’d have to experience it to know it. Just let yourself.
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This upcoming Christmas, I don’t feel as materialistic as I was before. We’re doing a Secret Santa thing this year (due to the recession) and I couldn’t think of anything to put on my wishlist. It took me a pretty long time to think about the things I wanted.
But what I really want this Christmas has nothing to do with material things.
I just want to hang out with my family, have fun playing games, make a gingerbread house, and have a chocolate fondue. I want my cousins and I to grow closer to each other - in a way where we can tell each other about anything and everything. I think that’s my Christmas wish for 2009.
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I’m extremely grateful for letting God into my heart this year. Without having done that, I don’t know how I would be able to carry this heavy load all by myself.
“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
“…with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
Think about it.
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You guys must be thinking… what a Jesus freak.
Well whatever. Think whatever you want to think. I do what I want.
Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Reflect.
I challenge you.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
My favorite song to listen to while I sit in my living room, dimly lit by my Christmas tree.
Nat King Cole’s The Christmas Song
Do you know which group of people I absolutely despise?
The people that cheat on tests and get better grades than I do.
Another emo-type post
UC applications are due really soon and I can’t write my personal statements.
I can’t just pull random words out off my buttcrack and mix them to make a soup. The words have to complement each other, like the different tastes in a main dish. I’m in dire need of inspiration and I think it’ll come when I take the time to sit by myself, yes, alone, without distractions. I’m going to watch people at Starbucks tomorrow, look out the window, and use the time for self-reflection.
This month is way too hectic for me. On top of weekly responsibilities and school work, I have to worry about writing two statements that contain the essence of my character. Only if these things were as easy as writing a post on Tumblr. Some days, PMS kicks in and I feel like breaking down emotionally. It may not appear this way, but I’ve been wanting to be alone.
Ironically, at times like this, I wish I had a close friend who’d comfort me as I emotionally vomit.
For now, I have Nat King Cole to comfort me by my white Christmas tree.
Sometimes I doubt that I’ll get accepted to the school of my first choice. I wonder, will I settle for another?
But, I shouldn’t doubt His plan. I have to keep my eyes fixed on God and He’ll lead me to where I belong.
